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20 July 2003 - 9:55 p.m.

I've been rather ornery lately. It's times like these when I can actually be grateful that I at least somewhat realize that I have a problem. I mean, that I know what's wrong... I hope.

I guess you could say I've been a little edgy lately, and kind curt with people that I deal with on a daily basis. Sometimes I wonder if my need for solitude is actually something of an addiction.... I have a tendency to be rather grumpy when I haven't had "me time" that I'd expected or at least hoped for. It makes it hard to say, so yeah, when am I going to get involved with more people around me? I also get to take a moment and reflect on how screwed I'd be if I hadn't had people help me to where I am. (like how I'm still not actually living in my own place, but I'm trying to start working on that...)

I'm always so abstract, aren't I? See if things can be straight out for once.

I should have picked up a paper this weekend to look for apartment listings, but I didn't. I did the UCity residential service thing last week, but there were only a few places under $450 and it's still close to the city so those places will likely be crummy.

You know, it's kind of remarkable how despite the fact that I consider myself different from so many others and I'm reserved, I tend to prefer a big place to work with lots of people, and for places to live, I'd most likely prefer a large apartment complex. Maybe I'm just trying to blend into obscurity. One way or another, I'll instinctively try to become invisible. Ack, there I go again, on an abstract tangent.

I guess I need to get up in the mornings and actually do stuff instead of wasting time. The sooner I get my own place, the less I have to worry about being uncomfortable dwelling in someone else's house. I don't have to be paranoid about... well, privacy, sort of. I like to hide what I think are my faults, whether or not everyone else agrees that they're really shameful. Especially from my family.

There is a question of money though. If I find a place to live tomorrow, and it's $450 a month, plus the same in deposit, I have just enough money in the bank to not be able to afford to move in. Plus I need furniture and so forth. Well, I'm sure things will work out, the way they had before. When I came up here in January, I had no job, no car, no computer of my own, and no place of my own to live. Things are slowly getting away from that, finally.

I should try to get pumped about my brother's shop he'll be opening soon, even though I'm not going to be very much involved because of work. It's kind of ironic, the whole point of me coming up here and staying in this house was to help with his business, and now I'm hardly going to be involved with it once I've decided to move up here permanently.

'K, hope that was enough of an update for you people, especially since most of my "updates" are way too general and I never explain them, or when I do it's long after it's become irrelevant. Like week before last, when I mouthed off obscenities like crazy because I had gone to this party where I knew only a few souls there, but the idea was .... Hey, am I actually going to tell this? Ah, why the hell not, if I can give exact measurements of my genitalia on here, I might as well let out details on my love life, or lack thereof. Friends in the neighborhood had a party, invited me and this other girl one of the friends used to work with, because we had sort of a flirting thing going on at a previous get together. Holy crap, that was Memorial Day that first time. Waaaaay too late now, but anyway, I was pissed because she never showed up almost the whole time I was there until I was about to leave, then she showed up with her friend Dave (who was really drunk) and 4 other guys, one of who was having a birthday, and they had basically been bar hopping. Or something like that. Yeah, right, like i'm going to ask this girl out when everyone else in the party is gone except for her and her 5 guy friends. Whatever. But I was pissed becuase I actually had mental occupations about it. Pretty much gone now. Let's just say it's hard for me to get involved with a group of friends that all already know each other.

I'm frustrated a lot, and I'm sure so's everyone else. I guess it's reassuring in a sick way.

I need to move closer to this place I work at. It takes nearly 45 minutes to get there. It's not even in another county or anything, it's just that this place is in the main southern part of the city, and the place I work is way out in northwest county. UCity would be closer, but it'd be a matter of cutting the drive time from 45 minutes to 30 minutes... wooo... and living in probably not great place just to be close to my brother's shop.

Wow, it feels weird to actually spout out about specific problems for once, instead of bitching about how I am in general. I haven't had people to chat about that stuff much at all over the past year. It's kind of refreshing, even if it's just to the online place.

I feel better. Thanks guys. heh



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