02 July 2003 - 9:09 a.m.

I guess I'm writing this to try and get in the right mindset... Things have been difficult lately. I'm struggling to win over myself and keep from being such a disappointment in general.

I've lived in this house for six months now with no job. The problem is I can't get myself to be where i really need to to live on my own. I'm hoping at least putting my thoughts out where someone can read it would give some kind of inspiration.

I have a history of doing the minimum to get by. Something inside me wants to give up on everything.... having social interactions, making money, and in general being human. I haven't even been eating as much as I normally do. When I went home a few weeks ago, my family were all commenting on how skinny i look these days.

I've had to be really shown what's going on wrong by my brother and others, in sort of a serious and painful way. A couple of months ago, when I had been "looking for a job" for a little while, he told me I should aim towards being able to move into my own place by July. I remember telling my parents on the phone "well certainly I hope I have a job by July" in an unrelated conversation. Now it's July 2 and I have yet to even be in any kind of job. I have made zero phone calls thus far in my job search "effort". I mean, procrastination is one thing, but it's like I'm actively trying to avoid it. Earlier this week, I just left the house and started driving around town. I feel like I know the area within a certain distance of this house now, but how has that helped me find my own spot in life? I can't do anything different than what I've been doing if I move back in with my parents. That would be rather depressing.

I've been given an ultimatum, or a challenge, depending on how you look at it: Have a job in two weeks, move into my own place come August. I just have to overcome my compulsion to give up on myself every time I'm supposed to try. This challenge is probably the right thing -- I've always managed to scrape by when there's a real deadline and it's short. Right now, though, I'm struggling to find some inspiration, something that would put my mood the way it should be to get me where I need to go.

I've been fighting the urge to run away from all this ever since my brother and his family went down to Tennessee yesterday. I'm supposed to be massively job hunting today and tomorrow and then head down there tomorrow evening for the holiday and my cousin's wedding.

I'm going to try to find out what willpower I truly have here.

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