11 July 2003 - 6:10 p.m.

So I got a job. You can add me to the ranks of the tech support train.

That didn't come out right at all.

I actually had to choose between 2 totally seperate but basically the same tech support jobs. I could have worked at a local based ISP or a large company that outsources for other companies. I took the job at the large company mostly because it's evenings, and I'm just more comfortable at a place with other people doing the same as me, so I can lose myself in the crowd of people all in the same crappy position... and if i'm lucky, really stand out some time.

I think now is where I do the typical thing and belittle people's congratulations. You could say I could have had a much higher paying job if I had gone down a different path, etc. And sure, but man, I've been trying to find something that's been missing that has nothing to do with money.

I think now, it's not that I don't like the way my system works for going through life. What's irritating is how it clashes with what works for everyone else.

The thing that challenges me now is to try to quit being so damned cynical when it comes to personal things. People don't impress me, money doesn't impress me, and it's hard for me to be friends with anyone. I want to lighten up, seriously, but so much time alone for the past few years has kept me in poor habits.

Well anyway, training for my new job starts next week. The shift is evenings, so my shifts will run any time early as 2.30 pm to as late as 2.00 am. Apparently I'll be working most weekends as well. What a great formula to minimize contact with people outside of work, right? This could be a bad thing. The other job was normal daytime hours, plus some, but not all Saturdays.

See, I obviuosly had a hard time deciding between these two jobs, but if I had to tell you the real reason I made my choice was based on the interviews. At the small ISP, they grilled me on my programming experience, asked me what I figured where highly irrelevant questions, like "What area of physics do you find most interesting?" .. what does that have to do with ISP technical support? I pretty much lied to them about my personal life, and made them think I actually write programs in my own spare time. The big company job interview was much easier. Piece of cake, they had an Open House for several people to come in. We were given applications and an assessment type test of our general computer knowledge. Passing that, we had to take a simulation test of proficiency in working in a call center. Since I've basically done this all before, it was too easy. After that was an actual interview with their HR person just asking _Relevant_ questions about my previous work experience. I think things probably would have gone different if I had had the two interviews in reverse order, because it had been way too long since I had a formal job interview when I went to the ISP last monday, and they had a lot of questions and there were actually three people asking them. I mean they did have useful questions like How have you taken initiative, How do you deal with rude or hateful people, etc. but they also had those useless questions that always kill people in interviews, like Where do you see yourself in 5 years. I always hated that one... I couldn't really tell you more about where i'll be in 5 years than I could about where i'll be in 3 months. It's just the short sighted slacker in me. Things like goals in life and aspirations have always been out of my personal picture. I've been way too occupied by hard personal experiences in the past to really think about it. Sure I have things that I'd like to accomplish in life that I dont' have now, but most of them involve having a group of friends to do fun stuff with, and a steady girlfriend. If I'm stumbling over things like that, which plenty of other people have gottne past, then "bigger" things like a Capitalism Career and "sucking the marrow out of life" take a real back seat.

It's interesting, amusing and somewhat astounding how weird I am. Yeah, I actually said that. There are so many things a large proportion of people would like that I don't. I don't like putting money in my pocket, I just do it out of sheer necessity. When I play Magic, I don't get much more pleasure out of winning than I do losing. I've just grown interested in the competitive environment and strategy. I can't say for sure since I haven't before, but I get the feeling I wouldn't like going to a strip club and having some girl I don't know rub her breasts in my face. I really like breasts, but I think I'd be a lot happier if the girl was a bit more exclusive.

One reason why I don't get involved in relationships with women is that I want to have my cake and eat it too. (yet another irritatingly counterintuitive idiom) (them thar's big words, smart fella) What I mean is, I can't stand the idea of being with a girl who's been around the block so to speak, but I'm too bashful to try to appeal to those that are a lot more discriminating. I want to have a girl who's not shallow and can be thoughtful and entertaining, but is rather attractive. I think it sort of follows for me to end up with a girl who's not so attractive as to be the center of attention much of the time, so I don't have to worry about her being most interested in Me (which is obviously my #1 criteria). What would be perfect would be an attractive but introverted girl who doesn't think she's all that good looking. I probably have a few things I like about the way certain women look that most guys disagree with, but for a lot of people things tend to go in the same general direction. On the "Interested in Me" subject, my number one criteria is also the number one reason I'm not involved with such a person: I rarely open up enough for that to be a possibility. In fact, the way I've been treated in the past by girls that I really had feelings for, has made me reflexively afraid of those I think that could happen with.

Geez, I should write a freakin' book. Damn. Ok, well you guys are more than filled in by now. Anybody that needed that analysis of my "biggest problem" have it all spelled out there for you. Just whatever you do, don't try to ask me "why aren't you fixing this problem, if you know exactly what's causing it?" That would just open a can of worms that's just bad, bad to try to deal with.

My current assignment is to find my own place to live. Guess I"ll let you guys know how that goes. It looks like most every body I had on my buddy list is gone to LJ now. I should probably hop on that band wagon so maybe there might be more conversation. My gold membership to Diaryland ends in like three weeks, so maybe I'll do that then. I'd probably rather want to do that on my own computer though, which hopefully I can get in a couple months.

I've been living on borrowed time, and now I have to pay it back. I think I'll snap back like a rubber band though, and go careening (that word has been in my head lately from a certain Placebo song) in a great direction.

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